Hey, I just got us 2 tickets
to the premiere of the new Brad pitt movie.
Nikki...
There'll be reporters there. There'll be photographers.
People will see us together.
So?
So...
We're having a secret relationship.
God, you suck at this.
We used to hang out all the time before.
Yeah, well, that was before we were sleeping together.
We were... Friends then.
Oh, so now that we're sleeping together, we can't be friends.
(CHUCKLING)
I don't have sex with my friends, Nikki.
I'm not an animal.
I'm just tired of sneaking around all the time.
Sweetie, we're being cautious.
We're being prudent, ok?
There's a difference.
(MOCKINGLY) Sneaking around.
Come on, Nikki.
All right, I'm gonna leave now,
so you, uh...
Wait 5 minutes and meet me at the market around the corner.
And, Nikki, as always, if I'm holding a pineapple,
abort.
Hey, Paul. Why are you late?
I... It makes the day seem shorter.
Go-o-o-ood morning.
Mike, Nikki's late every day.
You never get on her.
Oh, don't you worry, Paul.
He got on me earlier this morning.
Well, next time, Mike, I'd like to see that.
Somehow, I think that might ruin it for me.
(WHISTLING)
Hey, what did you get at the sports depot?
Just a jump rope for this guy I'm seeing.
He's an athlete, and he's in training.
Hmm...
Big double Dutch tournament?
Nikki, is that my... my pen on your desk?
(WHISPERING) You're wearing my shirt!
So what? No one's gonna notice.
It's monogrammed!
Nikki, I found that file you wanted.
Why are you holding your breast?
Earlier, one of them tried to get away.
Cool.
Ok, Mike, I'm done with the mayor's notes
for his appearance on politically incorrect.
Great, James.
You see, politics is all about preparation.
Surprise is your worst enemy.
And nobody, I mean nobody, surprises Mike Flaherty.
Ahhh!
What?
Nothing. Just clearing my throat.
Ahhh!
So, with day-old rolls,
some dehydrated peanut paste
and some stolen jelly packets from the diner,
I figure I can give myself a nourishing lunch
for about 8 cents a day.
That's better than Sally struthers.
Paul, I bet you wish you had one of these babies.
An Italian meatball sub.
A sandwich like that, that's what? 5, 6 dollars?
I don't pay that kind of money for lunch.
You don't pay that kind of money for suits.
My grandmother makes these for me.
They are so addictive.
Addictive for you. You know why?
'Cause you're a woman,
and you're weak.
Here.
Nothing.
Another massive bite.
Nothing.
So, Mike, when are we gonna talk to the mayor?
Uh, later. I don't feel so good right now.
Ahhh!
Boy, you really oughta have someone take a look at that throat.
What are you doing?
You didn't want people to see me in your shirt, so I took it off.
Nikki...
I'm protesting, Mike.
I wanna tell people about us.
I know it's gonna be awkward,
but you know what? I don't care.
I'm not scared. I want everyone to know.
MAYOR: Hey, Mike.
Oh, you're all talk.
Let me explain something to ya.
The dude was out cold for 9 hours.
Now, technically, that ain't no knockout.
That's a coma.
Hey, what are you, some kind of tough guy?
Oh, please. When the minions demand a show, I must oblige.
Yeah, I brought you something.
You don't like it?
Carter, you can't bring me gifts at the gym.
Bennet, it's 1999.
People are very open-minded about gay athletes.
Do I look like a figure skater to you?
Oh, boxing is totally geared toward our community.
Two attractive men come out in satin robes.
They dance around for awhile,
the winner gets to take home a purse.
This is my dream you're talking about here.
Yeah, but you don't have to deny who you are.
You can still be like Mike...
Even if you like Mike.
I'm gonna make some money, get ranked,
and then, when they can't get rid of me,
believe me, I'm gonna come out... big time.
Can you accept that?
Yeah, I guess so.
Yo, Bennet. What's up? Whatcha doin' tonight, man?
You mean who am I gonna do tonight? Ha ha.
What lucky lady's gonna get
the all night, airtight, Bennet boom boom express?
Take care, Bennet.
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
It's all part of the show, sweetie.
Look, Mike, I know that you saw janelle and I kissing...
no way.
Yes way, Mike.
I hope you'll give us your blessing.
Sir, you can't date janelle. You're her boss.
It's... it's sleazy.
Ow!
I gotta get up and walk this off, sir.
Don't you think you're being a little hypocritical here?
No... why, what do you know?
Well, I know that 3 months ago, you were fantasizing about
that young, blonde temp, Molly, and you tried asking her out.
I... I'm glad I'm standing up.
(CLUNK)
Oh, look at that. My favorite mug just fell off my desk.
I'm glad it didn't break.
(SMASH)
Second bounce.
Oh, there you are.
You gotta hook me up with another meatball sandwich, ok?
I'm jonesin' bad.
Ok, ok. Here you go.
Thanks.
That'll be $20.
What about yesterday?
First one's always free.
And here...
Take a hit off the sauce.
Oh, yeah...
Oh, yeah. Oh...
Oh, that's pure.
Hey, everybody. Hey.
What are you doing? You're not working on jokes, are ya?
Bill, the mayor of New York does not need to prepare jokes.
He's one of the funniest men in politics.
Really? I guess you never saw strom thurmond in his gym shorts.
That's funny.
Jot that down.
Hey, if I may, you shouldn't try to over-rehearse this.
The show's all about the spontaneity.
Well, don't worry about me.
I usually don't know what I'm going to say until...
Long after I've actually said it.
Good.
Ok, listen, I'm gonna add a topic.
I read about the police sweep in Harlem last night,
the 67 random arrests.
No, wait, wait. You can't...
you can't just add topics whenever you feel like it.
(CHUCKLING) Of course I can, Mike. That's what I do here.
Well, then, I think the mayor is suddenly coming down with something.
No, I'm ok, Mike.
Fellas, relax. On politically correct,
you don't have to be an expert. You just have to have an opinion.
Now, Mr. mayor, would you like to sit to my left or to my right?
I'm gonna go with the right.
Hey, that's right, Bennet. Mess him up.
Oh, my God!
Your face! Your beautiful face!
Uh... I mean, uh...
(IN MACHO VOICE) How you gonna nail all them chicks now, dude?
Hold on a second.
Last night, your police chief arrested over 60 African-Americans
and detained them for 2 hours while their records were checked.
You don't consider that revolting?
Have you ever seen strom thurmond in his gym shorts?
All right, sir. Remember your 3 ds...
deflect, dodge, and deny.
(BOTH TALKING AT ONCE)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
You were saying?
The police chief works for you, Mr. mayor.
And you know what that kind of policy says to me?
It says that you're a racist.
Oh, don't be ridiculous. I'm not a racist.
I marched on Washington in '63.
I have supported affirmative action my entire career.
There you go, sir. You got 'em on the run. Now lower the boom.
In fact...
I'm dating a black woman.
Boom.
And... and, who would that be?
Don't say it, sir. Don't... don't... don't say it, don't say it.
My secretary.
Ok, well... We will take a break,
and we will be right back.
Dodged that bullet, huh, Mike?
Janelle, I'm so sorry. I should have talked to you first.
Oh, you were nervous. I understand.
Well, let me make it up to you.
We'll go to that Italian restaurant we saw.
Umberto's?
(IN BAD ITALIAN ACCENT) I'll get you a nice-a table by the fireplace-a.
Hey Ross, Rachel.
Hi, um, I just wanted to come in and say
that I think it's great two people who work together
are having an open and honest relationship.
Well, I think that relationships
that could potentially ruin people's professional careers
should be left confidential.
For how long?
5 months.
So, what do we do now?
Well, sir, it's not like we can just make it go away.
I mean, let's face it. You let the genie out of the bottle.
Oh, no, no. We only kissed.
Hey, what's up, Carter?
Oh, James...
Romantic complications.
The guy I'm seeing is a boxer, and, uh...
Yesterday I was overcome with emotion
and I accidentally outed him.
Personally, I think Bennet should be proud of who he is,
but, uh, I may have irreparably damaged his career.
The bottom line is, I care about the guy,
and he's not returning my calls.
I'm here for ya, buddy.
It was an awkward moment, and somehow it led to a kiss.
But we are both single, consenting adults,
and if we choose to move forward as a couple,
Ms. Cooper would undoubtedly take a different job here in city hall.
I, however, would still be the mayor.
Mr. mayor? Yes.
Why are you being so up front with us?
Well, I'm a public official.
I feel it's my responsibility to be as Frank as possible.
Bob... I hate your haircut.
You know, if this truth thing catches on, I'm gonna be out of a job.
Yes? Mr. mayor, are you going to continue
having sexual relations with Ms. Cooper,
even while she's still working for you?
Oh, we've never had sex.
Yeah, right.
No, really. It's true.
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
I want you to listen to me. I'm gonna say this again.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman...
Ms. Cooper.
It's almost lunchtime, Paul.
How ya feeling?
Get out.
I'm over you.
You know you want it.
I've got a perfectly good egg salad sandwich, all right?
It's got everything you want...
Except meat...
Balls.
Ok, ok, you're fine, you're fine, ok?
Don't even think about it. Put it out of your head.
Meat...
Ball.
Meat...
Ball.
Meat...
Ball...
Sandwich.
Ah! Shut up! Shut up!
All of you, shut up!
Look, sir, this is an easy fix.
All you gotta do is go back out there and tell them the truth.
I told them the truth. Yeah, but it wasn't the truth they wanted to hear,
so to them it's a lie. I lied?
Not yet. It's only a lie if you don't say it.
Say what? The truth.
Whose truth? Theirs.
But it's a lie. Not to them.
So tell them the truth? If it helps you lie.
Janelle, are you getting any of this?
Mm-hmm.
Me, too. I was just testing you.
Look, sir, all you gotta do is go back out there
and tell them that you actually slept with janelle,
and it pops their whole balloon. It's over.
I can't do that, Mike. I didn't sleep with janelle,
and I'm not gonna Sully her good name just to save my political hide.
Sully? Janelle bagged the mayor of New York City!
Am I right, janelle? Give me some!
We'll work on it.
Why are we stopping here? I thought we were going to lunch.
Oh, Bennet. We need to talk.
Yo, Carter, I thought we agreed we wasn't gonna...
it's all right. These are my friends.
Oh, so they know about us.
Oh, my God. It's a gay boxer.
Hey, Bennet. What weight class you fighting at?
Uh, light-heavy.
I had you pegged for cruiser.
That's a great idea, Stuart.
Taunt the professional ass-kicker.
I'm not afraid of him.
You know, I used to box in college.
You are way out of your league.
(SNIFFING LOUDLY)
Does anybody else smell that?
No.
No one smells anything.
No? I definitely smell a chicken.
(BELL RINGS)
All right, men. I want a clean fight.
Let's get it on.
Wait a minute. Is he gonna use those gloves?
What's wrong with my gloves?
Well, won't they get in the way
of all the scratching and slapping?
You are gonna rock his world.
Punish him! You're the man!
(BELL RINGS)
Good luck.
Bennet, in EFFEMINATE VOICE: Come on, stuey.
BENNET: Ooh, you're like a wild animal, aren't ya?
Well, how am I supposed to fight you
if you keep running around like a sissy?
A sissy?
Yeah! Is he down?
How good of a friend is he?
Actually, we're very tight, but I'm totally ok with you beating the crap out of him.
Oomph!
Ooh! Ooh!
Oomph! Ooomph!
Ooomph!
Oooh. Come on, Dorothy.
Is that all you got?
(IN EFFEMINATE VOICE) Ok. Here comes one from Macy's basement.
Woo-hoo!
(GROANS)
1...2...
3...4...
Don't sweat this. Only 14 more rounds to go. Here we go!
How ya doin', stu? You all right? Mmm.
How many fingers am I holding up? Say 2.
He's fine. (WITH EFFORT) 2.
Come on...
(WOOZILY) Bring it.
You're not gay.
Oh, yes I am.
I just want to be a boxer first.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, fellas?
I think I can help. Come with me.
How'd you like to go to a movie premiere?
(WEAKLY) I'm hurt.
Hey, you're janelle Cooper, the mayor's girlfriend.
Hey, what did you just say?!
Calm down. Look, the mayor and I
had a casual date, but that's it.
This is my new boyfriend, Bennet Jones.
He's a boxer.
I can't believe that janelle agreed to do this for me.
She really cares about you, sir.
Boy, they're really hamming up that kiss, huh?
Yeah, yeah they are.
Probably thinking about us, huh?
Yeah, look, sir.
She's grabbing your butt.
Ahhh, more secret relationships.
You win again. I don't win.
Look, Nikki, I'm proud of being with you.
I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I just...
I just need a little more time.
But I want everyone to know about us.
Ok, see? There's the difference.
I need. You want.
See, need always beats want.
That's ridiculous.
No, it's not. I need a liver transplant.
You want a sticky bun.
Clearly, we just disagree.
I think we're just gonna have to keep talking about this.
Does this count as an argument,
because, you know, we've never really had make-up sex.
Ohhhh.
So you want to have sex.
But I need you to say it first.
Well, sure, Nikki, I want...
no... no... no. Not yet. Not yet.
Now.
(WORDLESS MOUTHING)
Ahhhh...
I... I want to have sex.
With anyone in particular, Mike?
No, I'm just making a general statement.
I wanna have sex.
I wanna have a meatball sandwich.
You come for a fix?
Nope. I'm off the sauce.
Really? And how'd you do it?
I applied a principle that I learned in psych class
called exposure therapy.
And what does that mean?
It means I ate 400 meatballs.
To apologize, my grandmother...
She made you some chocolate chip cookies.
Thank you.
Oh, that's good.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(BARKING)
Moo.